12/24/08 Another Christmas eve without you....  / Mom

3 years 5 months without you.  The holidays come and go, and you are not here. You are so missed, and yet I believe you are aware of our struggles here on earth.  I believe you are up there praying for us.  Thank you.  This Christmas is especially hard. Life teaches us so many lessons, many that we never want to learn, but must. I know life is hard and life is sad, and we have to do the best we can with the time that we have, loving all those who are family and friends, living our lives in a way that pleases Christ.  I am striving to do this. But so many days I just want to give up. The pain is too intense.  The battles too difficult.

Merry Christmas my beloved son.  Celebrating Christmas with Christ must be amazing! Some day we will all be celebrating Christmas together. Until that day, you are forever loved, and forever missed. mom

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celebrating another Christmas without you....  / Mom

And so, once again, it is the Christmas season. A season of hope, joy and peace on earth, celebrating our Saviour's birth. Our 4th Christmas without you.  Erin, Chris and I were talking last night and I told them how much I miss the Christmas's of their childhood, when we were all together as a family. They were beautiful times, and I did not realize at the time how precious they were. I sometimes feel like screaming out to parents "Enjoy your children. Hold them tight. Hug them and tell them every day that you love them, because you do not know if they will be here tomorrow!"

    I suppose with time, the pain of losing you lessens. Because this is the first Christmas season I could hang your stocking.  It is there on the mantle, between Erin's and Chris's, right where it belongs. Our tree is beautiful, decorated with all the precious ornaments all of you kids made when you were younger. I love it! Erin and Chris asked me last night if this would be another depressing Christmas or a joyful one. It is hard to be joyful without you, when there is a constant pain in my heart.  Yet, I will enjoy the celebration of Christ's birth, with the hope He provides of spending eternity with Him and with my family in Heaven.  I know you are celebrating Christmas with Christ in Heaven, with Pa, Tricia, Grandma and Sampa, Uncle Tom, Aunt Jule, Mark, Aunt Lois, Bobby, and all the other relatives and friends who knew Christ and went on before. I love you so much Chuckie. mom

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Hey Chuckie..  / Lil Bryk (Friend)

Hey Chauncey,

Its been a while since Ive sad Hello on here and I wanted you to know I think about you often and miss you.  Ill be deploying over seas soon and I wanted to let you know that Ill be thinkin of you and your family often, and my prayers are with you and them like they always have been. I was shocked to hear someone could be so heartless as to remove items from your grave and I hope whoever it was returns them, and is ashamed of themselves.  Before I go I will be replacing the hockey blade I left you a long time ago, as a reminder of how much your missed and how much your memory stays with so many. I miss you Chuck, Happy Holidays and please watch over those you love... 

 

~lil bryk

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Another Thanksgiving without you...  / Mom

And so the holidays keep coming and going. And the pain of your absence is always present.  Holidays are painful reminders that you are no longer with us. We hold onto the wonderful memories of yesterday, when our family could sit and eat together with all of us around the table, including you and Pa.  I miss those days so much. Now Aunt Jule has joined you in Heaven.  I know she is happier there and has had a joyful reunion with her beloved brothers and sisters and parents who have gone on before.  She loved you so much and I am sure you gave her one of your great hugs in greeting!

     And so, life goes on, and we keep trying to live here on earth the best we can, living with the pain of our loss, and striving to make each day count until that much anticipated joyful reunion in Heaven.  I love you, my son.  I am grateful for the 23 1/2 years I had you with me and look forward to spending eternity with you. love always,mom

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Hey Chuckie, I am coming to your grave...  / Mom
Dad and I are on our way to NJ. I look forward to visiting your grave and laying a Christmas wreath. Maybe that's odd that someone looks forward to being at a grave, but I feel there is a connection to you there. I know the "you" of who you were is not there, as you are now in Heaven and more alive there than you ever were on earth.  But a part of you, the physical you, is there. Your grave is a place where you are remembered by everyone who visits it.  A place where memories of you overwhelm me. A place where it is ok to cry, and no one says "You should be over him by now".  I will never get over losing you. You are a part of me and will forever be in my heart and I miss you every second of every day.  I can't wait to see you again. I love you my son, mom Close

hey chuckie, boy do I miss you....  / Mom
I don't often take the time to look at your pictures, because looking at them and listening to Josh Groban sing, just overwhelm my heart with sadness.  The holidays are coming up, and while most people love them, they are a source of sadness to me.  Your absence is always present. Tonight we celebrated Chris's 24th birthday.  It is hard to believe he is older than you were when you died.  I will always think of you as a 23 year old, even though I know you are now soon to be 26.  I will be at your grave in nj on your birthday, for I can be nowhere else.  I love you so much, my son.  Daddy often reminds me that each breath we take brings us a little closer to seeing you again.  you are always in my heart, mom Close

Your Missed Chauncey  / Keith Nucifora (Friend)

Chuck, I cant believe its just over 3 years your gone now bro.........  When I heard what happened I didnt didnt even believe it. I had just talked to you hours prior. You were actually supposed to come watch the Netcong Assumption Fireworks with Linda and my girlfriend at the time at my place because the view was sick form there.  I think about why we never ended up watching them or you coming over that night and I cant even remember why you didnt.  I always think that if you did that maybe it wouldnt have happened.........  I dont know man.  About two years ago I landed myself in ICU for 8 days because of using.  All the doctors told me it was a miracle I was alive, I guess that I owe it to Sarah cause if it wasnt for her and Anna I would definilty not be here.  I had a bunch of heart problems and ailments due to the usage too, but I have been clean for a little over 2 years now.  I always think that maybe your mother would like to know that some of your friends that were in your position are ok now, but then again I think why me and not you too. Im sure she thinks about that always as well.  You definitly have people that love and care for you and miss you soarly, and Im one of them.  I never got to know your mother that well but I will never forget the pain in her eyes at your funeral.  I remember her asking me if I was ok as she stood at her sons wake..... That always stuck with me like she knew that I was struggling too, but I would have been suprised if she even remembered my face.  Anyways definilty alway thinking about you bro.  Its funny Im on my labtop at the train station and as I am typing this someone was yelling out to someone on the train platform, "Chauncey, Chauncey". Crazy right?  Be good Chuckie, Ill definilty see you one day.... Much Love....... Keith

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Saddened when i heard  / Julian Jean (friend/classmate)
I was saddened when I heard of your passing today man. I couldn't believe it. I too have lost love ones early in life, i'm sure your missed by many. You seemed like such a good hearted person in the short period of time i knew you. Close

miss ya  / Gregory Blayer (bestfriend)

justing thinking about ya pal.  Miss u more then ever.  :(

 

LOVE YOU ALWAYS

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10/11/08 today I cried for you.....  / Mom

there was a service at the Children's Memorial Walkway, for parents who have lost infants, and I went to represent the Board, and to remember you and Tricia.  We let Monarch Butterflies loose, and mine soared into the air, with the joy of being free.  Did you soar into Heaven, Chuckie?  You were Freed from the chains of addiction which held you so tight.  When They played the song ~  To Where you are ~ by Josh Groban, the tears came......

To Where You Are

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
’cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

 

I cry now as I read these words. They express my heart and my desire to be where you are. I miss you more than words can say, my son. My heart aches for you. mom

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Hey Chuckie  / Mom
Missing you.  It has been said that those in Heaven know whenever someone here on earth is thinking of them or praying for them.  If that is true, you know you are always in my heart and thoughts, and you are always remembered, always missed and always loved.  Love you so much, mom Close

To whoever stole the items from Chuckie's grave...  / Chuckie's Mom
please return them.  the hockey stick, the angels, the heart shaped rock, all the pictures and the candle.  They meant so much to me and it breaks my heart that they were stolen. While I understand the desire to have items that remind you of Chuckie, these items were meant to be at his grave, left there by others who loved them.  I beseech you, please bring the items back. thank you. Close

Hey Chuckie, today is the 24th. I hate the 24th..  / Mom
they are hard days.  always a reminder that you are not here.  All I have now are pictures of you, dreams and memories.  And HOPE.  Hope of spending eternity with you.   Hope of being with you again.  Before you died, I never understood hope.  It never was that important. Now it is everything.  The Bible says, those who know the Lord, grieve differently than those who don't.  We grieve, but grieve with HOPE. Until we meet again, know you are forever loved, forever missed and forever remembered.  Hope is a beautiful thing, love,mom Close

I love dreaming about you. It brings you closer..  / Mom

I dreamt I was in the hospital and you came to visit me with Erin and Chris.  The nurse asked me if she could meet my older son.  I was so happy she asked that, because that meant I wasn't dreaming and that you were really there, that others could see you too and that you were not just in my imagination.   I told her, I'm sorry, you can't meet him, because he's been dead for 3 years.  I gave you a hug, but you were mad at me.  You said, "Mom, you're crying too much".  Then I woke up.

     Chris and I talked about this, and he said, you would be mad at me for crying so much.  However, in truth, my feelings are not something I can turn off and on.  They are what they are.  I miss you with every ounce of my being, and sometimes that brings tears. I love you so much, my son.

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Your memorial service on the anniversary of your..  / Mom

death, was very nice.  We met at your grave and everyone shared how you are missed and loved.  We were surprised and very touched, that  Kathi and Bill Kelley came, and we grieved the loss of their son, Rudy, along with you.  We expressed the thought that you and Rudy are probably up there playing hockey!  Sue, Sherri and Kristina came, Kristina saying she thought of you as a brother, and Sherri, that you will always have a piece of her heart. My dear and treasured friends, Carol and Steve, who remember you as an extroverted little kid, always joining into the family dynamics when at their house.  Carol has helped me through these last 3 terrible years so much, and has shed so many tears along with me.  Your friend Mike Raymond, who said even in Heaven, he will have a better slap shot than you! Uncle Bob, who said he misses you, and of course, me and daddy.  Ed Williams spoke, and talked about the Lord's prayer, how when we say "Our Father, who art in Heaven",  heaven doesn't mean that God is up there far away from us, but that it means He is right next to us, right outside our skin.  And that he suspects it also means that our loved ones are right here with us, and that you were right there with us at the grave, knowing intimately what was said, and taking part in some way. It made me cry, of course.

We let red balloons go, red for our love, rising up to Heaven, bringing our love to you.  I let a balloon go for Erin and Chris.  You are missed my son. So much. I will love you forever, for love never dies, mom

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selling a 1/2 eaten sandwich  / Erin Beyer (sister)

Chris and I were talking about you...reminiscing about your con artist ways. One of our favorite stories is about you trying to sell Glenn your 1/2 eaten $8 dollar sandwich. You said you didn't want it anymore, and tried to get glenn to pay you $4.00 for the other half. This was totally logical to you. It made us laugh...

but on a more serious note, the loss of you has taught me that life is about hope, faith, and love (1 Corinthians 13:13, "and these three things remain: faith hope and love and the greatest of these is love..") While you were alive, there was always hope that you would overcome your addiction. When you lost your battle, hope was lost. But now, because of faith in Jesus Christ, there is hope that one day I will see you again in heaven.

Life is about love. I love you. I will always love you, for unconditional love does not die, it lives on in the people you left behind. Many people love you; your memory lives on and you are not forgotten. I love you my brother, you live on in my heart. Erin

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07/24/08 I HATE TODAY, This is the worst day....  / Mom

of the year. The day I lost you. It is harder than your birthday or Christmas, although they are sad days too.  Today the memories of that day 3 years ago come flooding back. Chris waking up and you not breathing, dialing 911, doing cpr on you till the medics got there and him calling me crying, saying "Chuckie's unconscious".  Asking to talk to the medics to see which hospital they were bringing you to, and them telling me, "Mrs Beyer, you need to come here right now." I can't come there now, I'm in Charlotte. "Then get someone over here with Chris." Calling my brother to go over and him getting on the phone and saying the worst words in the world, the words that have changed my life forever, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son is dead."

     Chuckie, 3 years have passed since that day. Three years of living my life without you. Today I will go to your grave and leave flowers, remembering the good times as well as the bad. There was a lot of both. Trying to hold onto the good memories and not hold myself responsible for the outcome of your life. It is hard as a mother to not blame myself. I just know you were always loved and I always tried to do the right thing with your addiction. Most of the time I did not know the right thing to do, there is no procedure manual on how to save your child from drugs, so I just prayed then acted, hoping it would turn out right. But it didn't. Because you are not here. My mission was to try to keep you alive, but I failed.

    To say that I have lived the last 3 years of my life without you in it, is not entirely true.  Although you have not been here physically, you were always in my heart, soul and mind.  Your absence was always present, you were always in the back of my mind, tucked away, emerging in my quiet times, in my dreams,  in family gatherings where your presence was missed, or in conversations with my wonderful friends who would bring up your name, knowing it might make me cry but taking the risk, because tears and remembering is always a good thing.

    So I end, with I Love you, honey. We will remember you tonight with a ceremony, sending our love up to you. I know someday we will be together again. Until that day, you are always remembered, always missed and always loved. For love never dies. mom

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Chuckie, God spoke to me in church today 07/13/08  / Mom
We were singing a Hallelujah Chorus, "Worthy is the Lamb" and God said, "Chuckie is singing this song with you".  Of course it made me cry.  Thinking of you in Heaven, singing praises to Christ along with us, and you knowing what we were doing down here on earth, is a wonderful and comforting thought.  God knew I needed reassurance that you were ok.  When I told dad, he said, you probably asked for a solo! Regardless of whether you are singing alone or in chorus, I look forward to the day we can sing together in person, in harmony. Love you so much, my son! mom Close

Open invitation to Chuckie's friends....  / Mom

One month from today, will be the third anniversary of Chuckie's death.  I cannot believe that much time has passed.  I cannot believe I have lived 3 years of my life without Chuckie being in it. They have been 3 very hard and sad years, years of constant pain, missing Chuckie and just not believing this is how my life has turned out. Just not believing I will never see his face again on earth, or hear his "I love you mom" again. It is a rare day that goes by that I do not shed tears from the ache of missing him.

ON July 24th at 6 pm, we will have a remembering service at his grave, for anyone who wishes to come. I hope that his good friends Bob, Mike and Greg can come and I know my Sherri will be there.  Please let me know via email if any of you reading this can come, or want to be there. I would love hearing from you. I know many of his friends come to this site and don't write, but I hope you get some comfort from it, as I do.

The only comfort that I get, is knowing someday I will get to spend eternity with this kid! I know he is up there looking down, aware of all the tears shed on his behalf. He came to me once and said, "Mom, I'm happy."  I know he is. I take comfort in knowing he has no more struggles with addiction, and no more pain.  I know you tried hard Chuckie.  I know you hated yourself for disappointing your family, and that you couldn't stop, no matter how many times you tried.  I know now, that addiction is a disease that changes your brain cells, making it impossible to forget, always craving, always wanting.  I am glad these struggles are over for you.  I love you with all my heart, and love never dies. mom

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Chuckie, another 24th has come and gone.....  / Mom
Of course, I remembered, for you are always remembered.  It is still with an unreal feeling of disbelief. I am sure there are those who would say, "enough already, get on with your life. It has almost been 3 years."  I would say to that person, "ok, when you lose one of your children, then you will have the right to tell me to stop grieving after a certain amount of time. How long would you grieve for your child, if you lost him/her?"  For it is only another parent who has lost a child, that can truly understand the pain that never ends. I am living a new normal, a normal that feels pain every day, yet tries to keep on living.  It is a very hard thing to do. I am grateful for those parents who God has brought into my life, that understand this pain, for Jerry and Skip, for Tamea (my newest friend) , for Karen H, and Nancy.  I am sad that these friends know my sadness, for they have also lost their precious children.  I can only hope that no one reading this, will ever know this pain. It is a parent's worst nightmare.  Only by holding onto the hope we find in Christ, that of spending eternity with our precious children, can we get  through each day.   I told Chuck, the first 3000 years in Heaven, I am just going to hang out with Chuckie.  He will get so sick of me being with him all the time that I am sure he will say (probably about the 1 year mark)....ok mom, it's time to start hanging out with some of your other friends and family members!"   :)    Close