One month from today, will be the third anniversary of Chuckie's death. I cannot believe that much time has passed. I cannot believe I have lived 3 years of my life without Chuckie being in it. They have been 3 very hard and sad years, years of constant pain, missing Chuckie and just not believing this is how my life has turned out. Just not believing I will never see his face again on earth, or hear his "I love you mom" again. It is a rare day that goes by that I do not shed tears from the ache of missing him.
ON July 24th at 6 pm, we will have a remembering service at his grave, for anyone who wishes to come. I hope that his good friends Bob, Mike and Greg can come and I know my Sherri will be there. Please let me know via email if any of you reading this can come, or want to be there. I would love hearing from you. I know many of his friends come to this site and don't write, but I hope you get some comfort from it, as I do.
The only comfort that I get, is knowing someday I will get to spend eternity with this kid! I know he is up there looking down, aware of all the tears shed on his behalf. He came to me once and said, "Mom, I'm happy." I know he is. I take comfort in knowing he has no more struggles with addiction, and no more pain. I know you tried hard Chuckie. I know you hated yourself for disappointing your family, and that you couldn't stop, no matter how many times you tried. I know now, that addiction is a disease that changes your brain cells, making it impossible to forget, always craving, always wanting. I am glad these struggles are over for you. I love you with all my heart, and love never dies. mom
Chuckie, another 24th has come and gone..... / Mom Read >>
Chuckie, another 24th has come and gone..... / Mom
Of course, I remembered, for you are always remembered. It is still with an unreal feeling of disbelief. I am sure there are those who would say, "enough already, get on with your life. It has almost been 3 years." I would say to that person, "ok, when you lose one of your children, then you will have the right to tell me to stop grieving after a certain amount of time. How long would you grieve for your child, if you lost him/her?" For it is only another parent who has lost a child, that can truly understand the pain that never ends. I am living a new normal, a normal that feels pain every day, yet tries to keep on living. It is a very hard thing to do. I am grateful for those parents who God has brought into my life, that understand this pain, for Jerry and Skip, for Tamea (my newest friend) , for Karen H, and Nancy. I am sad that these friends know my sadness, for they have also lost their precious children. I can only hope that no one reading this, will ever know this pain. It is a parent's worst nightmare. Only by holding onto the hope we find in Christ, that of spending eternity with our precious children, can we get through each day. I told Chuck, the first 3000 years in Heaven, I am just going to hang out with Chuckie. He will get so sick of me being with him all the time that I am sure he will say (probably about the 1 year mark)....ok mom, it's time to start hanging out with some of your other friends and family members!" :) Close
Another mother's day without you. It is a very hard and sad day. I do not know if this day will ever get easier in years to come. You are missed so much, my son. This week as I was going through some of your pictures and papers, I found a mother's day card you sent me when you were younger. You called me mother goose. That was a nickname you and Bobby called me. It said "Quick hug me before my friends see". So I displayed the card from you, accepting your hug from Heaven. I love you so much my son. You are always in my heart. Always in my memories. Love never dies......mom
05/07/08 ~30 years ago today, I became a mother... / Mom Read >>
05/07/08 ~30 years ago today, I became a mother... / Mom
and a grieving mother, all in the same instant. My firstborn, Tricia Lynn, born 16 weeks too early, died at birth. I never knew what pain was, until that moment. Going home from the hospital with empty arms, to a house full of baby clothes and diapers. Wondering how the God that I loved and served, could allow such a thing to happen to one of his children. Learning that sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes we just need to trust, even when we don't know why. Not knowing at the time, that it was preparation for a greater pain, the pain of losing a child I had loved for 23 1/2 years. Still not having answers, and once again having to trust without knowing WHY. Much harder this time.
So Happy 30th Birthday in Heaven, Tricia Lynn. Thank you for making me a mother so many years ago. I look forward to meeting you someday! Please look after your younger brother, Chuckie, for me. I bet you and he have enjoyed getting to know each other! He's a trip, isn't he?!!! Love you both so much! Someday in the future, our whole family will be together again. You are much loved! mom
added some flowers, put some flowers on Pa's grave, Tricia's grave, and a small toy on Benjamin's grave, the infant boy buried right near you, who only lived a day. Always pray for his family when I look at his grave. How sad to lose a child. It just should never be. Children should bury their parents, not the other way around. It is so much easier saying good-bye to a parent, than a child, although I miss Pa every day. Another 24th has come and gone, you have now been gone 2 years, 9 months....almost 3 years. I still can't believe you are gone. I miss you so much, my Chuckie. I am so glad that love is eternal, it never dies. My love for you will never end. Until we meet again.....mom
Unspoken words, not saying your name, because too many tears have been shed already.
Silent prayers to Christ, "Please tell Chuckie how much I love him."
For love never dies.
Lighting a candle on birthdays and holidays..
Birthdays now celebrated in Heaven.
Remembering Christmases past, so full of joy...
A team of 3, sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night,
on a mission....are the presents out yet?
I wonder what we got, peaking under the wrapping paper.
Joy celebrating the birth of Christ,
Joy being together as a family - complete once,
broken, now.
Where is the joy in brokeness?
Can broken hearts be mended?
Can they be made whole?
Working to avoid a new tragedy,
the tragedy of sacrificing what remains of our family...
on the altar of the one who is missing.
Chuckie would not want that.
How do we go on? How do we adjust to our new normal?
The absence of pain is not our goal. The goal is to give God glory.
In spite of the pain.
Help us Lord. For only you, the Great Physician, can heal broken hearts. Help us to give you glory in our pain.
Restore a wholeness to that which was broken.
For it is You, Lord, who Restores the heart with HOPE. Thank you Lord, for hope, that which makes a broken family one, the hope of being complete once more in Heaven, no longer broken.
Hey Chuckie - yesterday, we had a service ... / Mom Read >>
Hey Chuckie - yesterday, we had a service ... / Mom
for bereaved parents to remember their children. (04-05-08) Because it was raining, it was held indoors, but I took grandma and aunt Jean to the Children's Memorial Walkway, to look at the engraved bricks there with your name. It is wonderful to have a park, here in Charlotte, with your name forever there, a place for me to go and mourn and remember. The service was very nice, but sad of course. We had a wonderful singer, Alan Pederson, who lost a daughter, and he sang wonderful songs of remembrance. They made me sob. Although we couldn't let balloons go, because it was indoors, we got to say your name, and Tricia's name, remembering you to the world and sending you love. Remember, love never dies. While the world may say, "Forget what happened to you and get on with your life", only another bereaved parent knows we can never forget and our healing only comes with remembering....so my much loved son, know as always, you are always remembered, always missed and always loved. mom
Dad and I came to NJ to hand out the 3rd memorial scholarship in your name. Something that is a wonderful thing to do, but too hard for me to go to. It is too hard to be around moms with their hockey playing sons. Too many memories which tear at my heart. Wishing I could still be that mom with her hockey playing son. I am always glad when you are remembered and the scholarship is a great way for others to remember you!
Driving to your grave after not being there for 2 months, I contemplated how I was feeling, and I realized a feeling of anticipation had come over me. I needed to get there and just be there and see your headstone. Maybe I feel closer to you there, even though I know you are not there but in Heaven. But a part of you is there. Everything is brown in NJ in March, and the graves were devoid of real flowers. There were artificial flowers, the head of a hockey stick with "We miss you, Chuckie" on it, a CD, lots of angels, a picture of Anthony, and some stones. Thank you to all who visit Chuckie's grave and leave momentos of your love to him. It means so much! I was very happy to see the buds of some hyacinths peeking through the dirt, signifying new life and spring! An appropriate symbol of Easter, when we celebrate Christ's resurrection! I rejoice that Chuckie is not there but because of his faith in Christ, in spite of the sins of his addiction, he has been forgiven and has been resurrected with Christ, and I will see him again! That is my hope and that is what keeps me going! So I left an Easter cross on your grave and on Pa's grave, the symbol of hope. I love you forever, Chuckie! You are always loved, always remembered, and always missed. mom
31 months, another 24th of the month... / Mom Read >>
31 months, another 24th of the month... / Mom
month by month, day by day, minute by minute, second by second, time goes by and you're not here, at least physically. I know you are here in my heart, because love never dies and you will be loved forever. I know you are part of such great a cloud of witnesses that the Bible talks about, those in Christ, who have gone on before us, who surround us, who cheer us on, who pray for us. Now, having died, you are wiser than those of us who have been left behind, because you can know see clearly, where we can only see in part, as though behind a dark cloud. I hope you are pleased with what you see. I hope you know how mightily we strive to keep on living, never forgetting, yet seeking to keep going, seeking peace and happiness once more with this new normal we are faced with, not by our own choosing. I hope you understand the tears, always present, though sometimes, not seen by others, except maybe you. I hope you get the messages sent to you, telling you always of my love. I hope....for that is all that is left. Close
My darling Chuckie, today is a day for telling those we love how much they mean to us. Since I can't tell you in person, I will tell you here. I love and miss you so much, my son. I pray that Christ will relay that message to you from me, as I ask Him every night to do that for me. I know you are part of so great a cloud of witnesses, and know what is going on down here and know the struggles we are going through. You know the sadness that I feel and the many tears that I shed for you. Still. Every day. Just know you are in my heart, now and forever and someday we will get to be together again, because of our mutual faith in Christ. It is that HOPE that gets me through every day. Love you so much and Happy Valentine's Day! mom
Our good friend of many years, Kevin Slinger, passed away suddenly last Wednesday morning (1/30/08). He will be truly missed. I feel better knowing you were there to greet him and I hope you got the message I sent along. I remember all of our trips to Kevin's apt in Allentown years ago. We had some fun times. Take care of him. He was a great friend for the ten years I knew him, a wonderful person, and a loving father. Such a shame.
I miss you and love you, Chuck. Still so unbelievable your gone. You are thought of every single day.
2 ½ Years Every day when I wake up, you are not here. I wake up, and remember and say to myself, “Oh my God, my son is dead”. I hate living the rest of my life without you. 2 ½ years have gone by. 2 ½ years of pain and aching to see you. I miss your laugh, your smile, your amazing hugs. The stories you told, the love you showed, How you always said, “I love you, mom” Even the pain of dealing with your addiction was better than the pain of living my life without you. I long to see you again. The pictures that I have everywhere are only paper. I look for you in everyone I see. Some wear their hats like you did, Another has your nose, your hair or the same curve of your neck. Sometimes I see someone who closely resembles you. For a split second I let myself believe it is you, and that the last 2 ½ years were all a bad dream. For a split second I am happy. Then reality hits. He is not you. You are not here. And the tears come. There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman called “Homesick” He sings, “You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a 1000 times. And at least 1000 times I’ve rejoiced for you. But the reason that I’m broken, the reason that I cry Is how long, must I wait to be with you.” We will be together again, my son. Our mutual faith in Christ will re-unite us. Until then, I must live with my pain, knowing I will never get over my grief, but just learn to live with it. Until that future reunion in Heaven, Chuckie, just know that you are always remembered and always loved.
2 1/2 years in Heaven...I cannot believe that the 24th came and went / Mom Read >>
2 1/2 years in Heaven...I cannot believe that the 24th came and went / Mom
and I did not think to myself on that day, "Chuckie has been gone another month, 2 1/2 years total today". Another month gone. Another month without you. The days keep going and going and we are all surviving without you. I would not have thought that possible. It did not occur to me until today, the 29th, that I missed the day. It is the first time. Maybe that means I am starting to heal. I suppose that is true. I don't know whether it is healing or if the reality of you not being here on earth has finally sunk in. My heart still catches in my throat whenever I look at your face in one of the many pictures of you all around the house. It is a physical pain. It is a needed pain. I need the pain because I need to remember you. It makes me sad that the 24th came and I forgot it was the 24th. Donna of Compassionate Friends said that would happen, but I didn't believe her. How I hate living my life without you in it! Life is just not fair. It is sad, hard and painful. So many dying.... People we love. Yes, I long for Heaven. I long for the Rapture. maybe today. I am ready. I know it will be so much better. so much joy. no more pain. Until that time my son, know you are always in my heart. I whisper words to you in the evening and pray God relays them to you. I believe you know whenever I am thinking of you. Can't wait for that future hug, mom Close
Happy 26th Birthday, my darling son.... / Mom Read >>
Happy 26th Birthday, my darling son.... / Mom
This morning I will visit your grave to wish you a happy 26th birthday in Heaven. I will bring you balloons and red licorice, your favorite candy. I will cry for the lost birthday parties we cannot have with you, remembering all of the wonderful parties of our past, with cake and ice-cream and the whole family around us. Never to be again. I will pray that Pa, Tricia, Uncle Tom, Sandy, Mark, Grandma and Sampa, Aunt Lois, Susie, Bobby, and all of our friends and family who have gone on before us, celebrate today with you in a glorious way, having the cake and ice-cream and family gathering up in Heaven, that we cannot have here on earth. You are so missed! Then Dad and I will head back to North Carolina. I will cry leaving you. It makes me sad I can only visit you a few times a year. I am grateful to Sue and Sherri who keep watch over your grave with flowers and wreaths. I am grateful to the unknown people who loved you, who leave angels, cds's and hockey sticks. These few NJ days are bittersweet. I love seeing friends and family. I also see you everywhere. My senses, memories and words are flooded with you. It is so painful and so many tears are cried, yet I need to feel the pain. The pain keeps me connected to you in a way that I cannot be connected in NC. I am grateful to Sherri and Carol, who share Chuckie stories with me and cry with me. It means so much. So, farewell, my darling son. I take comfort in knowing your struggles are over and you are at peace, in the arms of God. I take comfort knowing we will be together again someday. I told Carol that when I see you again, I will hug you forever and never leave your side. You probably will say to me, "Mom, we will spend all eternity together, you do not have to stay attached this way!" I love you so much! Happy 26th Birthday.......mom Close
Chuckie, looking for you here in NJ... / Mom Read >>
Chuckie, looking for you here in NJ... / Mom
Coming up to NJ is hard. Part of me expects to see you, no, longs to see you, so I look for you wherever I go. I see you in the places I pass, Mennen Arena where you skated; Grace, where you learned to love the Lord...I remember you used to walk into the front of the church and sit in the first pew. Armin told me, "Some day that boy is going to be a pastor..." Are you pastoring in Heaven, my son? I see the house you grew up in, the friend's houses you always visitied, your schools, and I look for you in all the cars I drive by. Sometimes I get a glimpse of you, the curve of the neck, the haircut, the baggy clothes, the profile, I stare and stare, hungry for the sight of you, and for the briefest of seconds, I make myself believe it is you. I want to believe it is you. Then, reality hits, and the tears fall. Then I go to your grave. Are you there, my son? In the stillness of the graveyard, the silence of the cold stone that bears your name. The wind blows, the grass in winter is dead. No one else is around, not even birds in the air. I see my dad's stone, the non-existent stone of Tricia, but I know where she is buried. I miss them both and cry for them too. And there are Christmas wreaths, angels, a cd and a broken hockey stick saying how much you are missed. Again, I cry, just missing you so. Crying out that life is unfair, you shouldn't be gone. But I know you are not there, either. Buried somewhere deep is some part of you, but the essence of Chuckie is not there. The Chuckie I knew and loved is now being embraced in God's loving arms, awaiting our reunion, as do I. Dear God, please tell my son how much I miss him. Life without him is very hard and sad. The pain never goes away, I just learn to live with it.
Another Christmas without you / Erin (sister)Read >>
Another Christmas without you / Erin (sister)
Chuckie, Another year has passed and missing you remains constant. As time goes on, the intensity of the pain diminishes, but it’s still there. I keep a journal; where I have written down memories of you and I, and dreams I’ve had since you’ve been gone. I look at the memories every now and again, but it hurts, so I try to detach myself from the emotions. In the last dream I had of you, we were all going to die if we didn't leave, but you remained, saying "erin, you have to let me go." I remember the last time I saw you; the last time we said I love you and gave each other a hug; it was when Chris and I were dropping you off at Mike Kern’s house. Little did I know. I’m thankful for your life, and the 23 years I was able to have you in my life. Your memory lives on in my heart and all those that loved you. Merry Christmas in heaven chuck. I love you forever. Give grandpa a hug for me. I miss him too. Close
Christmas Eves - Past, Present and Future / Mom
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++My My darling Chuckie, every Christmas eve will mark another month of you being gone from me, and today you have been in Heaven 29 months. You are always remembered, always loved and always missed. Today I am remembering Christmas Eves Past ~ Filled with hope and joy. We always went to Christmas Eve Services at Grace as a family. Debbie Bauer singing O' Holy Night. The beauty of it always made me cry. I still cry when I hear it. You and Chris loved her so. The highlight of the service lighting the candles, all the lights of the church out and everyone singing Silent Night to candlelight. How beautiful. How peaceful. How I loved being there all together with my family around me. The presence of the Lord so strongly felt that words were sometimes hard to sing. After church we would go home, on the way looking at all the Christmas lights, looking for the luminaries that sometimes lined the driveways on this special night. Sometimes we were blessed with snow on that night, making it almost magical. Each of you kids got to open an ornament from me and dad, signifying something that happened in your life that year. Many of your early ornaments were sports related, however one of my favorites of your teen years, was Santa in a police car. You didn't think it was funny, but it still makes me laugh when I put it on the tree. All of your ornaments were collected in a box with your name on it, with the hope of giving it to you when you got married, so you could start your own Christmas traditions with a decorated tree of memories. Now when I put them on my tree the memories come flooding back. My favorite ones are the precious paper ornaments you made for me in grade school, paper angels and snowflakes. There was a time when these ornaments were placed near the back of the tree, because I wanted the shiny expensive bulbs to shine. Today, I wisely place these precious memories in the most prominent place on the tree, not even caring if the other ornaments are on the tree. How much wiser we become with age! Every Christmas eve the whole family came to the house for a huge meal and to open presents. Grandma and Pa, Aunt Jean, AJ, Uncle Bob and occasionally Lori and John came too. They were wonderful times! I would cook and clean for days before. One I remember with much sadness is when you were about 8. I had gotten my white sofa and loveseat professionally cleaned, so the house would look good. That night you were drinking red Hawaiin Punch and accidently spilled it on my couch and I yelled at you. The look of hurt on your face as you ran to your room still makes me cry when I think of it. I am sorry for this, my son. I made such stupid mistakes as a mother, placing the cleanness of my couch over the joy of your Christmas Eve. Please forgive me. ~ Christmas Eves Present ~ Although you are not here physically, you are here in spirit, always in our thoughts, always in our hearts. Your absence is always present, always felt. We will light our Chuckie candle tonight for you, the flames reaching toward you, towards Heaven, on this eve of our Saviour's birth. We do not have big Christmas eve celebrations anymore. It would be too sad. Just the 4 of us, spending a quiet night together, enjoying each other's company. Erin and Finny will sleep over tonight. You are missed. ~ Christmas Eves Future ~ I hope someday they will be full of joy again. I hope there are grandbabies in my future (not just grandpuppies!). I know the Christmas Eves in Heaven will be joyous beyond our imagination, as I hold onto the hope, (which comes from God) of all of us being together again, all of us celebrating the birth of Christ, with Christ himself! I love you my son. I look forward to that day. Merry Christmas. mom
Anonymous Letter From Child who has died, to his parents...... / Mom Read >>
Anonymous Letter From Child who has died, to his parents...... / Mom
A Letter from Above Dear Mom and Dad, I know this is a rough time for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life. It's O.K. with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking about me. I know that you'll. never forget. Loosening me and grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination. Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud, and if they don't make a hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship. If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything that you could have done for me and didn't. I forgive you, as my Lord does. Resentment does not abide here, only love. You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I'm still yours and you are still my parents. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as your child honours me. Read, even though your tears anoint the page. There is an immense library here and I have a card. In Henri Nowens' "Out of Solitude", he writes, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Mom and Dad, I don't know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is His voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am. I want you both to know that I am O.K. I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels. Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get whet you need and it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted. Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their work, are an inspiration and a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically. And one more wisdom before I close. There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter. That, too, will come in due time. Today, I l ight a candle for you. Joined with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness. Affectionately, Your child. PS: I'll. see you later.
11/24/07 - 28 months in Heaven / Mom
28 months today, without you. Another month has come and gone, another month without you in it. How is it possible that you have been in Heaven that long? How I long to see you again, my son. Until that day, I will continue counting off the months, waiting patiently until that day I can see you again. Stay well and happy, and let me know from time to time that you are doing ok. love you so much, mom Close
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