the 5 Stages of Grief and the last 4 years......  / Mom

DENIAL - initial unbelief this can't be true. My son can't be dead. shock. intense pain. screams. always knowing deep inside it was going to happen but not believing it really did happen. How can I be the mother of a dead child? How can this be my life? How do I live the rest of my life without Chuckie in it?

ANGER -

anger at Chuckie - why couldn't you stop? why couldn't you love me more than your drugs? why did you make those horrible choices that led to your death? why did you have to die?
anger at Chuck - why did you have to pass the bad gene of addiction down to our children? why couldn't you hug Chuckie more and tell him how much you loved him?
anger at myself - why couldn't I save you? I should have tried harder. why did I put you in public school? why did I move to Charlotte and leave you alone in NJ? I should have chained myself to you and never let you out of my sight.
anger at God - You could have saved my son. I prayed for 8 years for him to be healed but you took him from me. the pain at times is overwhelming. I just want him back.

BARGAINING - please give my child back to me. I would do anything to get him back. I wish I could have died in his place. 23 years was not enough time.

DEPRESSION - 4 years without my son. an ever present pain deep within my soul. wishing life had turned out differently I hate living my life without him in it. Holidays his birthday and the whole month of Juli leading up the 24th are overwhelmingly difficult. How many days did I wish I could join him? what I wouldn't give to hear him say one more time "I love you mom".

ACCEPTANCE - what does this even mean? that I will accept Chuckie's death? NEVER! I can accept that God is always good and always loving... that He is close to the broken-hearted and close to me even when I can't see Him. I can accept that God's ways are not our ways and that He has a perfect plan for my life. I accept the HOPE of spending eternity with my son in Heaven - the one thing I cling to that brings me comfort. But how does a mother accept the death of her son? someone I loved more than my own life. I will never be happy with God's decision to take Chuckie home.

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7-24-09 on the 4th anniversary of your death...  / Mom

Chuckie

 4 years ago today I got the phone call from Uncle Bobby that I will never forget and that changed my life forever...."I am sorry to tell you this but your son is dead."  the worst words in the world. Your battle with addiction was over.  God called you home to a place where you were clean and free to be the real you.  My battle to save your life was over.  I lost. 

Never again would I get to hear your voice telling me about what was happening in your life how your friends were doing how much you loved Stretch and Crazy Casey or hear you say those words "I love you mom." Never again will I hear you laughh as you tease Christopher and get him in a head lock or battle with Erin over who was the funniest.  We had so many dreams and plans for you. But God had other plans.  What has become the worst day of my life was your best.  Heaven's doors opened to a life of peace joy and love as you get to fellowship with all those who are with you now.

  I am sure Pa put you to work building our mansions after he scolded you for breaking your mother's heart.  Mark has given you lessons on how to plant beautiful flower gardens.  You have played hockey with Rudy Uncle Tom and your grandfather Beyer who died 53 years ago and you never knew down here.  You have enjoyed spending time with Grandma and Sampa your sister Tricia our friend Peggy and now your friend Debbie Bauer who just got there yesterday.  I am sure you have scolded Kristina for weeks on end for getting there way too soon and breaking her parents and Sherri's heart.

I asked God to give me a memory to share and He reminded me that shortly after you died you came to me in my dreams and said to me "Mom I'm happy."  I remember putting my hand on your face feeling the stubble then woke up crying.  I believe God gave me that experience because He knew the pain and grief I would feel.  It has been very hard Chuckie.  I miss you every day and I can't count the number of days I wished I could join you.  I know that when it is my time I will be greeted by my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ but right behind him you will be standing arms wide open and I will hear those words "Welcome Home Mom I love you."

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OPEN INVITATION TO CHUCKIE'S FRIENDS.....  / Mom

We are having a "remembering chuckie" time, on the 4 year anniversary of his death, July 24th (friday) at 6 pm at his grave.  All of you are invited to come and just reflect on his life or share your favorite Chuckie story! It would mean so much to us if you can make it!

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6-24-09 / Mom

Hey Chuckie, In one month, (7/24/09) you will have been in Heaven 4 years. It is hard to believe you have been gone that long. We will have a "Remembering Chuckie" ceremony at your grave on that day, and all of your friends are welcome to come and share, if they can. (6 pm) I can't believe I have lived that long without you. Although you are not here physically, thoughts and memories of you are ever present with me, never far from my mind. It is only when you lose someone so loved and dear, that thoughts of Heaven are welcomed as something to look forward to. I love you so much, my son. You are forever loved and forever missed. mom

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Hey Chuckie - 06/15/09  / Mom
today on the radio, a dad told the story of how his daughter was in an accident. on the way to the hospital he told his wife JUST PRAY, AND DON'T STOP! After the dr saw their daughter he came out and said, I believe you that she was in an accident, but she is fine. It made me cry, because maybe if I had prayed and prayed when I first heard you were unconscious, like falling down on my face before the Lord, and never stopped praying, maybe He would have let you live. My friend Nancy said "No, God knew you were praying, and knew your spirit was praying, and that you had prayed for years for Chuckie, but it was just Chuckie's time to go home". my heart cries thinking maybe I could have done something more. I just miss you so much chuckie. It is coming around to the anniversary date, the hardest time of the year, and I just miss you. Close

My 2009 Mother's Day Prayer...  / Mom

Dear Lord,

You know today is hard. You know how much I miss my son. Please let him know I am thinking of him and miss his hugs and how he always said "I love you, mom". I miss his cards on Mother's day.  I pulled out some of the cards he sent me in the past...the homemade early ones, decorated in colored yarn, where he could barely spell mother, to the later ones where he called me mother goose. Each one is precious to me. I reread the mother's day poem he made me when he was 6 which has his little handprints on it. Today framed and on the wall, truly a treasure. pain ever present, tears for missing what I had but what was not meant to be.

Help me Lord to adjust to my new normal.  A normal with my 2 precious children who are still here. Help me to be a good mom to them, in spite of the pain that I still feel. It is hard. I want to treasure each moment with them, because there are no guarantees in life that me or them will be here tomorrow. I love you Lord, please remember your promises and remember me, your child, mari

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Happy 31st Birthday in Heaven, Tricia Lynn Beyer  / Mom
31 years ago today, I gave birth to my firstborn, Tricia Lynn. She was way too premature to live, weighing only 1 pound, 13 oz, but was alive until birth. Never got to hold her, the dr held her up then whisked her away, thinking he was saving me from further heartbreak. I wish I could have held you, my daughter. The grief that followed was nothing like I have ever felt before. At first denial, then overwhelming sadness, then questioning God. Why did you take her from me, God? What did I do wrong to deserve such grief? It made me reevaluate my relationship with God, as well as my pre-conceived ideas about who God was.  I will never have the real answer as to why God took Tricia from me. I can guess at reasons. I do know it was a foreshadowing of the grief I was to feel 27 years later when God took my son Chuckie home. Again I asked why, with no real answers.  Again I questioned God, but this time I got angry at Him.  Anger that lasted 3 years, and maybe if I'm honest, is still partly with me.  I do look forward to Heaven where I can spend time getting to know my daughter Tricia, and hanging out with Chuckie again.  Happy Birthday Tricia. You are always remembered and always loved, and I hope you are showing your brother the ropes up there. love, mom Close

Happy Easter Chuckie  / Mom

Of all the days of the year, Easter is the one day of HOPE.  My favorite word in the English language. Because Christ conquered death, and rose from the dead on that first Easter morning, we can too. We have the HOPE of Heaven, the HOPE of spending eternity with our loved ones and I hold onto the HOPE of seeing you again, my beloved child. HOPE is what keeps me going and HOPE is a beautiful thing.  Hope is more than optimisin, it is a surety in what you believe in.

Visited your grave on Easter day. Left you an Easter egg.  Remembering all the Easter egg hunts of the past, your new Easter clothes, the Baskets filled with toys and chocolate hockey players.  Happy days. Full of promise and dreams of your future. That was snatched away the day you died. I miss you so much my son. The pain of missing you is ever present with me.  I know your Easter celebration was happier than mine! I can only imagine the joy of celebrating Christ's resurrection with Christ himself, in the presence of all the angels! I love you more than life itself. mom

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to all of chuckie's friends......  / Mrs B.
thank you all so much for sharing your memories of chuckie with us, or for remembering him by lighting candles.  (I know how much you all miss him - He was an amazing person!)  It means everything to me and I love all of you! Close

Hey Chuckie, another 24th of the month, comes &  / Mom

goes, and still you are not here. How is it possible that you have been gone for 3 years and 8 months? Time just keeps moving on.  the pain of losing you is ever present. I miss you every day.  Most people believe that time heals the pain, but in truth, the pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it.  A parent NEVER gets over the loss of a child.  I long to see you again.  Someday, we will spend eternity together. I look forward to that future reunion with much joy. I love you my son, mom

 

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I cannot begin to understand...  / Jeremy Cole (One of my best friends )

Hello everyone,

Chuck and I spent about 6 mounths together at Bridgeton Academy. He was my best friend! We spent every day together and traveled every weekend together. He was my dearest friend during the time we spent together. I cannot believe what happened to him it hurts to think that someone as kind and spirited as Chuck could have met his fait the way he did. I know that our time together was brief, but it was a time in my life were is was growing from a young boy into a young man. I've been through alot since then and always woundered what my long lost friend was up to...I cannot believe we will never meet again...I dont know how much more I can write after a couple years of not hearing anything from him I started looking for him...It was about three years later that I randomly called a number I found over the internet that was listed as a number where he had lived at one time....Luckily Sherri was on vacation in FL and called me back...I still cant believe the reality! I was trying to invite him to my wedding....He and Sherri stayed with me and my girlfriend once I wish that we had more time together.....I Loved Chuck, he was like a brother to me....I am very sorry about what happened, Chuck was the most amazing person I have ever met....from day one we were like family....He ment alot to me! I wish he was here today....I would tell him I Loved him...

To all that dodn't know me my name is Jeremy Cole....

Best wishes to all who knew him!

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Hey Chuckie, went to your grave on Saturday...  / Mom

before I left to come back to NC.  I love being at your grave. I feel close to you there, knowing there is a part of you there, although your spirit and soul, the essence of who you were, are not there but in Heaven.  I talk to you there, cry for you, and ask Christ to let you know how much I love you. I sang to you there, sang the song, Homesick, by Mercy Me, and sang "I'll hold onto Jesus, with all that I have, to see you again."  Don't you know, when I got in my car, that song played.  It was like God was saying to me, "See, I know what is going on and feel your pain."

Take care of Kristina.  I know she was so happy to see you, and you her.  Her funeral was so sad. She was much too young to go to Heaven, but we do not know the days we are allotted on earth, and we all need to be prepared to meet our Maker. Sherri introduced me to her family and friends as "Chuckie's mom".  Everyone knew who you were!  I was so thrilled to be known as "Chuckie's mom" again, even if only for 1 day! Of course, I will always be your mom! Kristina will be buried near you, of which I am glad. Then when I visit your grave, I can watch over hers too.  I love you so much, my beloved son. We will be together again, and I look forward to that huge bear hug when I get to Heaven! love always, your mom

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Take care of my Krissy, Chuck  / Sue R.
Chuck, I want to believe you are with my Krissy.  Please take care of her for me.  Don't let her be afraid or scared.  Tell her everyday that I love and miss her.  I trust you to make her laugh.  I will miss and love you both until the day I die. Close

02/27/09 Rest in Peace Sweet Kristina  / Mrs Beyer
Darling Kristina, Rest in Peace. I know you were welcomed at Heaven's gate today, with the biggest hug ever, by my Chuckie. I know how much you loved him, and he loved you. You were way too young to have made that journey, and all of us here left behind are left with questions and sadness. Stay close to your family, they are in so much pain. Let them know you are happy now, as Chuckie let me know.  I love you sweetheart, and I will miss all the candles you lit remembering my son. Rest in Peace, until we meet again, mrs beyer Close

Letter to Bobby....  / Mrs Beyer

Dear Bobby,

It has been way too long since we have heard from you.  Your letter was way overdue, but my heart is happy to have heard from you.  I do suppose you have been in mourning for the last 3 1/2 years, as we have been too. I know how much you loved Chuckie, as he loved you. In spite of your distance from each other, the love that you have for your best friend remains for life, and usually circumstances become better. Unfortunately, Chuckie's time ran out, and you never really got  the chance to reunite.  I was really happy to hear you spoke on the phone while he was in the Texas rehab.  I didn't know that, and now I know it was his way of saying good-bye to someone he loved dearly.  He did that with all of us that he loved. We all got some kind of closure, which I thank God for. While he was in that rehab, he told me "Mom, the drugs are going to kill me."  It was one of his final gifts to me, as he knew he was not going to be able to stop, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how he hated himself for not being able to stop. He was trying to prepare me for what was to come, 2 weeks later.

You say you are glad that we are carrying on.  Well, we have no choice but to keep on living, as do you.  But in all truth, not a day goes by that I don't mourn for Chuckie and miss him with all of my heart and soul.  The pain is ever present, and I hate that I have to live the rest of my life without him.   Bobby, Please keep in touch, dear one. I had hoped you would have filled the big brother role in Chris's life. That would have made Chuckie happy. My email is at the top if you care to write, and I am moving back to NJ in the next few months. Maybe we can get together for coffee.  I love you honey, Mrs B (aka mother goose)

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It has indeed been way to long................-....  / Robert Norris (Soul/Sol/Sole)

So exactly where do i fit in now Charles?   It has been quite some time since i have put ink to page, i mostly blame you for that. (jk).... The anger remains if nothing else.... It was always our show mate, we were going to grow old on our own terms, me with my aggression and you with your...... Your way with everybody.. they would always fold and you knew that, sly character, not in a bad way mind you, just in that the fact that you were irresistable to everyone and you knew it!!!! You"re the worst.... It has been no picnic without you around mate, i have no one to really talk to. I kind of own a horse now, so i talk to her sometimes but it's really not the same Charles, its really not. There is very little dialogue, actually theres none, obviously because she's a horse but that"s not the point. The point is that you really should have stuck around for a while longer mate,because I don't think we were done conversing yet!! You were on the verge of life mate and so was I, and maby I turned my back on you but so did you mate, backs were turned At The Same Time.. Maby I need to pass blame, Maby not.. I was in Vegas as a passenger diving north, there was no way i could have made it to Texas to finish that conversation in time.... I guess thats what this is really about anyway is that last phone call, i'm sorry that it was so short, you would think after all that we had gone through together there would be some big tearfull goodbye mate, but i guess not... I guess not us mate, we'll just put it on hold for another time...  So you better be watching, because everything that has happened since your retirement has had its purpose, and you know me when i get on a  bent!!! whatever happens now mate i do in rememberance, if I have to I will build landmarks here as evidence, that you were my inspiration, my confidant, and on this whole skewed rock, the only true friend i"ve ever had... I will  remain extremely put out and very wary of new friends from here on out, and quite honestly the fore seeable future, but hey mate thats where the inspiration comes from you know that.. I take solace in the fact that your family continues to carry on!!! and for myself the fact that i was even able to type this repose.........  multiplied by the fact that I carry with me the greatest memories, of the greatest friend any God fearing man has ever had the pleasure to know...  To Charles T. Beyer,     The Greatest............... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S... It takes a while for the water from your eyes to short out the keyboard...    

 

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to the family  / Tim Babbitt (Friend)

my deepest sympathy to family...

What a great friend I know you miss him each day was great to have him part of our lives.

~Tim

 

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The 5 year anniversary of Pa's death 02/03/09  / Mom

Hey Dad,

It is so hard to believe that you have been gone now for 5 years.  You are missed every day, but all of us left behind live with the hope of spending eternity with you in heaven.  You did not go to church (except the time I was a little girl and you came to hear me sing, and I forgot the words and started crying! ) yet your faith was evident in the life you lived and the way you loved us. You cared about all of us so much.  You made each one of your children and grandchildren feel special.  It always amazed me to see you romping around on the floor with your grandchildren, because you didn't do that with your children! You did however, give me a love of reading, always telling me stories and making up stories about the fairies that came out at night and danced under the trees and the duck who lived under the bush that was laying eggs. It was a fun childhood and I thank you for that.

In later years, it was you that I went to when I found out about Chuckie's drug use.  I came to you crying and you cried with me. I miss having you to go to with my problems.  I know you are up there watching what is going on and praying for your family. We need your prayers so much.

I love that you were an author, writing autobiographical stories about the old man and all his adventures.  I love the story about the old man going into the woods, and building a bridge because he knew his grandson would be following.  Chuckie did follow you and I am so glad you were there to welcome him into heaven.  I love and miss you dad.  Keep Chuckie working up there, building those heavenly mansions for all of us.  We will be together again, all my love, lynn

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Never Forgotten Brotha!!  / Brad Stewart (1 of his Best Friends )
I probably think about you just about everyday bro.  You are forever in my heart and on my mind kid.  I miss you like crazy man.  I know that your in a better place but still to this day kills me that your gone.  I'm living out in Michigan now and finally going to school, I know you've been watching over me.  You will always be my boy and I look foward to seeing you whenever God decides to take me up there with you.  I love you Chuck.    Close

1/24/09 3 1/2 years in heaven, today......  / Mom

My darling son, today, you have spent a total of 3 1/2 years in heaven.  Please know, you have been missed and remembered every one of those days. I know you are now 27, but it is hard for me to think of you as any age but 23 1/2.   I look forward to the day when we get to see each other again.  Will you have aged? Will you look more and more like your father, or maybe more like me?  What does your sister look like? Did you know her right away?

Life has been very hard lately.  I know you know what has been happening, and I believe you are in constant prayer for us. Our faith is in Christ, and we know He is in control and can move mountains.  He is already the victor over the enemy. It is just hard waiting for answers.
I miss you with all my heart and soul, and still cry when I enter into the pain of my loss. Most of the time, though, I can function quite well, but always aware of my pain deep inside the soul, which erupts sometimes, by surprise. Love you so much! mom

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